Building and maintaining a workout schedule has always been very difficult for me – and even until recently, maintaining a focus on a healthy diet has also become quite a challenge.
If you read my introductory post, you know a little bit of what I went through during my early 20’s. My ex would call me names and make harsh remarks about my weight and figure. It affected me to the point of feeling lost, hopeless, and unsure of what to do. I found myself starring at the abundance of food in my parent’s home with horrible feelings of not wanting to eat anything, because whatever I touched would make me fat. During our time together, I lost 20 pounds within a little over a month and kept it off because I hardly ate. I wasn’t going to give him any more of a reason to tell me I was doing yet another thing wrong.
Fast forward to our break-up 3.5 years later. Immediately upon walking away from him, I made plans to visit one of my best friends in Oregon. We drank wine and ate a LOT of pancakes. I suddenly felt FREE to enjoy food again, to enjoy LIFE again! No one was going to take away this joy from me again EVER!
Now fast forward yet AGAIN. I am 4 years into my marriage with my husband, and one of the biggest interferences of annoying back-and-fourths is our views of health, fitness, routines and calories. David and I are so alike, and yet so different – and this area of health and fitness can become an area of intensity between us if we aren’t careful. He’s more rigid, I’m more fluid; but I believe I have become too fluid. Too worried about taking away, being without, and feeling hungry that I’ve begun to sabotage myself.
I’ve begun to recognize within myself more and more the same feelings of fear, and open wounds of feeling like, “No one is going to tell me I can’t do this or can’t do that because I already went through all this!”. It’s a terrible way to feel. David usually sees me start new plans, routines, and diets…and they never seem to last more than a week because I just lose heart and find myself holding on tightly to my justifications for failure. All this flip-floppy-back-and-fourth failure has caused my husband to lose faith in my plans and “new beginnings” – but all this back and fourth has also really opened my eyes to the fact that I am just failing over and over again. I’m lost within my wounds, and holding on tightly to my justifications for overeating.
At the end of last week I felt like I reached a point of just being so frustrated and tired, and I know that David was too. I began to search on Pinterest (yet again) for new diets, eating plans, workout routines…Just anything. I came across a pin that was inspiringly colored, with a blog title that peaked my interest; and as I read through her blog my hungry soul ate up her scripture-lined words of wisdom. Immediately, I felt the Holy Spirit filling the gaps I’ve had in my heart.
This blog, Grace Filled Plate, touched on every sore spot I have regarding food and insecurities. I won’t go into too much detail, but I will say that you MUST go read her blogs for yourself if you are struggling in this area. Her specific blog post that captivated me was simply titled: 15 Ways to Glorify God in Your Eating , and something in particular that stood out to me was from a very common verse that I’ve read many, many times,
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” Matthew 6:25
Is life not more than food? Isn’t there MORE to life than just food? Why have I been white-knuckling my hold on food for so long when there is MORE to life than food?! As I read this scripture within the context of Brandice’s blog post, something suddenly changed in my heart. The Holy Spirit revealed something to me on a new level and suddenly I find myself beginning the week with a renewed sense of who I am in Christ, with my obsession with food suddenly transformed into an appreciation for what’s available to me. Suddenly, and quite miraculously, I no longer feel controlled by food or even my own insecurities within the context of diet and exercise, and I feel encouraged and empowered to walk through this battle using the weapon of God’s word to fight.
So this week, I’ve began something new and while it’s hard for me to say that yet again, I find myself finding rest in God’s promises. Already, I’m walking in victory.